The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
