If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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