please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Pooping to opera.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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