I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
