Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
