Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
