hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
