mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
