If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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