He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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