Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
