Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
