He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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