We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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