On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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