8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
