I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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