it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
