The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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