Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
