not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Randomize
