I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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