Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
