I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
