Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
