Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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