i love accidental penises.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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