oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
