Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
