Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
