Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
