Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Someone shattered a urinal.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
