I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
