Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He did a backflip because drugs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
