I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
