i wish my penis had a tongue
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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