Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
