whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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