dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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