Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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