I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
