im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
