saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
