peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
