dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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