Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
