The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
