I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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