Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
