we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
