i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
