cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
