I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
