also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
